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Do you know how it feels like to be wiped out? To be helpless? To speak honestly, it sucks.
Sometimes I wish you were here, but of course you won't. I'm not naive enough to believe you could change, I gave up on that long ago.
But sometimes I just wish there'd be someone who tucked me in at night and held my hands, sitting at the edge of my bed just long enough to watch me slide into dreams, ready to hug me when I get scared. I miss that, you know? Well, you don't, of course. You'll never know, cause I can't overcome myself to tell you what I feel. I built that huge wall around what used to be my heart and now even I'm not able to get through anymore. What's left of me after you went away is just that. A little girl hidden behind an insuperable wall.
26.2.09 17:55


Seeing a therapist is nothing like you'd probably imagine. You don't get to lie on a couch, you don't talk about your problems getting them solved right away. Actually it's hard work. You go to a person you don't really know and are expected to unfurl your soul, your most secret desires, your thoughts. Speaking about intimate things is difficult, especially when it comes to topics you usually never talk about, for example rape. I got raped a few years ago from someone who should've cared for me but instead decided to satisfy his ravenousness. So, once a week I'm sitting on this old red armchair trying to choke out words that hurt under my skin like fire just to realize after the session that nothing's changed anyway except for the fact that I feel like spit out.
Sometimes I think it'll never get better and the scars on my wrist seem to agree on that. But I know it takes years to finally get over it and maybe it's enough for a start to stay alive, to not give up.
26.2.09 18:15


The thing I do when I'm about to give up is taking flight into fantasy. I mostly start dreaming about how things could be if he just was here with me, if he'd hold my hand and tell me everything's gonna be alright. I remember his face exactly as if I had seen it just yesterday and not ages ago. His bright green eyes that change into blue under certain light conditions, his dark brown hair always looking as if he just popped right out of bed and his heart-stopping smile not just playing about his lips but also reaching the eyes showing up a thousand laughter lines and making yourself want to smile back without any particular reason, only because it makes you feel good. Not to mention the smell of coffee he always carried about with him which let you know it was going to be a good morning.
It's not that I really miss him, I just wish he'd understand what I really meant when I told him that I care about him and that I don't want to lose contact. I guess either he never will or he won't admit if he does after all. It's okay for me though. As I mentioned it's just fantasy, not more than a dream which I know will never come true.
At least it helps escaping from reality sometimes and that makes it worthwile all the way.
26.2.09 23:17


Have you ever sat around motionless, desperately waiting for something to happen? I did. I was sitting on the floor for about 2 hours, staring at the clock every now and then just to realise that merely a minute had passed. Time seemed to stand still and every noise suddenly seemed to be deafening. The sweep hand's ticking, my neighbour's laugh on the other side of the wall, the irregular breathing of my old burma cat sitting beside me, the blood vibrating in my ears, even the refrigerator's buzzing. It was nerve-racking, but I just couldn't overcome myself to simply stand up and do something else. Something had frozen me to the ground, unable to move.
And then, finally, I heard the keys turning in the door lock and started breathing again.
28.2.09 00:04

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